Decisions...

Part I

Some are easy and some are just down right difficult.  Everyday I make the easy decision to get up and go to work and to raise my kids the best I can.  However everyday I struggle with the decision to either stay in my marriage and make it work or to walk away knowing that I tried.

We started out with one of those stories that most dream of... childhood sweethearts who loose touch and 20yrs later we meet again and get married.  Our first year together was rough and emotional but we made it through.  Things were alright for two more years and we (or really maybe just me) have been struggling ever since.  I'm worn down and really feel that is why I struggle everyday.

I feel like I'm alone in this marriage, we're room-mates that just happen to sleep in the same bed.  We have separate lives, things we are invited to as a couple he goes to with out me just because the kids are home instead of declining the invite.  When I plan things with the kids; he stays home.  I can't talk to him the way I want to..the way I need to.

(it took me 2 hours to write this first part because my thoughts are so scrambled)

Part II

So the past weekend, I didn't necessarily have a epiphany or awaking of what I wanted to do but more of a talk with one of my girlfriends about the situation at hand.  Through the talking and the spilling of my thoughts I realized...I have had my answer to my solution all this time.  That deep down I knew and know what I want.  So I am going to act upon it and move forward until my mission is complete.

When the time is right I will reveal the mission but until then its top secret :)

ps...totally on another subject.  But when did it become the Man's position to tell his wife when to leave a job and when to stay?  Granted I havent been at my job for a year yet..BUT since I started so much has changed and its just a job now.  I don't enjoy it as much anymore.  So if you were not happy at your current job, and had an oppotunity with a great company and a chance for more money as well...would you at least look into it??

Ruts...

It seems lately that all I post are serious posts with almost nothing positive to say...where's my happiness?

This past week the boys and I visited mom in Memphis and just piddled around town, shopping and site seeing and then winding the visit down on Beale Street.  It was a great time spent with the boys before school starts and seeing mom again.  We make our next trip there for Thanksgiving and then hopefully the next trip there is to pack her place up and move her back to her real home here.

So we're on our way home and I am plowing through the 497 miles to get home...home to my husband, my bed, our dog and just relax before a long day at work.  Finally I'm home!  Our dog greets me at the door and my husband follows.  Things are normal...said he left dinner meat out to make dinner and that he would cook.  Awesome!  Then comes a call from our friend that lives close by, the next thing I know my husband leaves and doesnt come back for almost 2hrs.  Oh but he went over there because our friend was cooking steaks and brought me one home.  Ok thats great, neither one of us has to cook but he leaves again to take butter back over there...another hour goes by and he comes back home.

Now don't get me wrong, I tpyically wouldnt be bothered by something like this..but seriously?  Your wife is gone for 5 days...away from you...and all you can spend with her is about an hour?  You can't tell your buddy that your wife is home and you want to spend time with her?  I guess not.

Am I wrong for having a "I don't feel important to you" feeling?

The page has turned..

After my last post I felt myself shutting down, emptiness filling me, and just not caring anymore.  We had a big fight recently, late in the night, that I just felt I could not get passed.  Hurtful things were said and the fight I used to have was gone.  All I could do was sit there and not say a word. I had lost my voice and just went numb. I didn't want to fight with him anymore; I just wanted it to end.  The tears start to well up.  We get home and he keeps on going..and going into the early morning.  So needless to say it was a sleepless night for me. 

Over the next two weeks my feelings didn't change (still have those feelings), I was in a major rut that I couldn't get out of.  I don't know if he could see the emptiness in my eyes or what (probably the combination of it all), but he changed.  The affection was coming back, the consideration, all the things that I loved about him.  I don't know how long it will last but I still have that part of me wanting things to work out.  We attended a wedding this past weekend and to my amazement he was a complete gentleman.  Holding my hand, helping me in and out of the car, escorting me around, it was nice.  Unfortunately I wasn't really there...my thoughts were somewhere else when they should have been there with him.  I'm trying to come back, to find myself, but I know it will be a slow process.  Until then....I will keep on trying.