The page has turned..

After my last post I felt myself shutting down, emptiness filling me, and just not caring anymore.  We had a big fight recently, late in the night, that I just felt I could not get passed.  Hurtful things were said and the fight I used to have was gone.  All I could do was sit there and not say a word. I had lost my voice and just went numb. I didn't want to fight with him anymore; I just wanted it to end.  The tears start to well up.  We get home and he keeps on going..and going into the early morning.  So needless to say it was a sleepless night for me. 

Over the next two weeks my feelings didn't change (still have those feelings), I was in a major rut that I couldn't get out of.  I don't know if he could see the emptiness in my eyes or what (probably the combination of it all), but he changed.  The affection was coming back, the consideration, all the things that I loved about him.  I don't know how long it will last but I still have that part of me wanting things to work out.  We attended a wedding this past weekend and to my amazement he was a complete gentleman.  Holding my hand, helping me in and out of the car, escorting me around, it was nice.  Unfortunately I wasn't really there...my thoughts were somewhere else when they should have been there with him.  I'm trying to come back, to find myself, but I know it will be a slow process.  Until then....I will keep on trying.

Crossroads

Not much has happened since my last post except a lot of thinking...I feel that although my life is not unraveling in front me, I do feel that I am not the same person I used to be. I feel like somewhere along the way I lost myself. My happiness. You surround yourself with what you think will make you happy, whether it be people or materialistic things, when deep down you want more. Something to fill that void you know is there. What you have just isn't enough anymore and you just go through the motions from day to day.

Lately (this last year mostly) my marriage has been missing the key parts of what I think make a marriage. We've hit bumpy roads before and some how managed to get past them but the number of bumpy roads are getting closer and closer together. The roads are piling up to the point that now I am at a crossroad of what to do next.

I was asked recently, "Do you love him?" me: Quickly I said "yes" "If you lost him tomorrow, how would you feel?" Me: "I would be devastated, I wouldn't know what to do without him." "Are you still in love with him?" Me: pause..."I don't know"

Another person asked me. "If you were told you had 6 months to live, how would you spend them?" "As in would you want to spend those 6mos married to him?" I had to think about it, with all the bumpy roads recently, I said "Living and being happy". Its all I want...happiness, the feeling I am complete again.

As I said before, somewhere along the way I lost myself....how do you find your way back when the bumpy roads include road blocks? Road blocks that "normal" people would say knock them down and move forward, or find another route and move on. I need to let this out...all my thoughts and feelings....everything. There is always 2 sides to the story, but even those who see first hand think I put up with a lot and with little appreciation.

So with my thoughts, feelings and questions in my head; I go on to live another day and hope to make it to another day.