Fell off

This past weekend I fell off the wagon.  I had been struggling to stay on and after all of this past week's events, I fell right off on my butt.  I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes.  I finished the pack and starting tomorrow, I am back on the wagon.  I think I did pretty darn good for quitting cold turkey.  But alas, I have to start the counting all over again.

Hope everyone's weekend was a good one!

Happiness

Where's my happiness?  I lost it a long time ago and still have yet to find it.  I try to find the good things in life and stay positive but that's really hard to do when you feel knocked down by one thing or another everyday.

We still have our issues that go unresolved day after day that ends with one of us throwing ours hands up and walking away.  I've made my mind up..I know what I want, yet it seems so far away.  Like everyday it gets farther and farther away.  I want to speak up and say everything that is on my mind but I know that will only make things worse.  I know I am just cheating myself by staying silent but what else is there to do until I find the courage to speak out.

Once before I was in this situation and it only took waking up to realize it.  Why cant it happen again?  Make it happen like pulling off a band aid....painful yet quick.

My previous post Mean - Pink really describes me...how i'm feeling and how I see things in this moment.

Mean - Pink

"Mean" - Pink

You use to hold the door for me
Now you can't wait to leave
You use to send me flowers if
You fucked up in my dreams
I use to make you laugh
With all the silly shit I did
Now you roll your eyes and
Walk away and shake your head

When the spark has gone and the candles are out
And the song is done and there's no more sound
Whispers turn to yelling and I'm thinking

[Chorus:]
How do we get so mean? How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning
When it comes and everythings undone?
Is it 'cause we wanna be free? Well that's not me.
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor
Like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be

I'm always sentimental when I think of how it was
When love was sweet and new and we just couldn't get enough
The shower, it reminds me you'd undress me with your eyes
And now you never touch me and you tell me that you're tired

You know it gets so sad when it all goes bad
And all you think about is all the fun you've had
And all those "sorry"'s ain't never gonna mean a thing

[Chorus]

I know we said some things that we can never take back
It's like a train wreck trying to hit the right track
We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe
But we should've drank it down while it was still sweet
It all goes bad eventually

Now do we stay together 'cause we're scared to be alone
We got so used to this abuse it kind of feels like home
But my baby I just really wanna know oh.

[Chorus x2] 

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/pink/mean.html

Careers...part 2

So I got a call from a friend the other day and she tells me her company has an open position and thought of me.  Now before you say or think anything...I know I have only been at my current job for 10mos but seriously, I only took the job because I needed a permanent position and benefits because the last one was a contract position.  Since then I have determined that I really can't see myself doing this for a long time.  So when she called I jumped on it.  So I am prepping my resume and will hopefully spark an interest for an interview.

Now on the other hand, when I mention this to my husband...his response?  "You haven't even been at this one a year!  You promised!"  I promised, I know, but how can I pass up a chance to work for a better company, with locations all over the area, and MORE money?  You would think my husband at least supportive, but instead goes the other way.  Like he doesn't want me to better myself and my salary.  I don't understand this...

Anyone want to enlighten me on this?

Decisions...

Part I

Some are easy and some are just down right difficult.  Everyday I make the easy decision to get up and go to work and to raise my kids the best I can.  However everyday I struggle with the decision to either stay in my marriage and make it work or to walk away knowing that I tried.

We started out with one of those stories that most dream of... childhood sweethearts who loose touch and 20yrs later we meet again and get married.  Our first year together was rough and emotional but we made it through.  Things were alright for two more years and we (or really maybe just me) have been struggling ever since.  I'm worn down and really feel that is why I struggle everyday.

I feel like I'm alone in this marriage, we're room-mates that just happen to sleep in the same bed.  We have separate lives, things we are invited to as a couple he goes to with out me just because the kids are home instead of declining the invite.  When I plan things with the kids; he stays home.  I can't talk to him the way I want to..the way I need to.

(it took me 2 hours to write this first part because my thoughts are so scrambled)

Part II

So the past weekend, I didn't necessarily have a epiphany or awaking of what I wanted to do but more of a talk with one of my girlfriends about the situation at hand.  Through the talking and the spilling of my thoughts I realized...I have had my answer to my solution all this time.  That deep down I knew and know what I want.  So I am going to act upon it and move forward until my mission is complete.

When the time is right I will reveal the mission but until then its top secret :)

ps...totally on another subject.  But when did it become the Man's position to tell his wife when to leave a job and when to stay?  Granted I havent been at my job for a year yet..BUT since I started so much has changed and its just a job now.  I don't enjoy it as much anymore.  So if you were not happy at your current job, and had an oppotunity with a great company and a chance for more money as well...would you at least look into it??

Careers

This is a question for the masses.  How did you decide what you wanted to do as a career?  Did you know from the beginning or did it kind of "fall" into your lap?

I have been contemplating about going back to school and finally go in the direction of a career and not just a job but I am clueless as to what I want to do with the rest of my life!  Its such a big decision.  You want to think about it carefully otherwise you risk loosing time and money.  I think back to a job I had working with Commercial Insurance Compliance and remember really enjoying it and the knowledge I learned along the way...the down side, most companies wont pay anywhere close to what I am making now or they pay a low base wage plus bonus.

Anyways...would love to hear your input on this and maybe our own story of how you got where you are.

Creativity...

I am by no means a creative person and usually need "inspiration" from the web as I tend to get bored very quickly with decor, colors, or what have you when it comes to my home and anything else.  It was nothing new when it came to a point that I was tired of my blog's look; so I hit Google for some inspiration. 

I am in the hot pink & black mood with some zebra thrown in (hence the style now) and found a great header that I absolutely adored!  So I found my inspiration and was now on the hunt to find the "ingredients" to make that perfect header that the rest of my blog would revolve around.  I found the zebra print off google Images and used my new trusty photo editing program to add the bling.  I added the hot pink band, black band, floral, and "hot lips" all with Picnik...I had a blast.

Credits:
Inspiration:  Sassy Stitches & Blingy Britches
Research source: Google Images
Editing: Picnik

New memories

I meant to post some pictures as well of our trip to Memphis, so here you go!

First of many attempts to shoot toothpicks in the ceiling..

And the many failed attempts... 

Omg...look at you!...you have a baby....in a bar!

My youngest and I on Beale Street 

At the Hard Rock Cafe...wish he would just smile instead of silly faces ;)

The family portrait

(youngest son, oldest son, me and my mom) 

A very animated son hehe 

Can you find the Gorilla?

An Elephant? 

The kids just had to have a picture of the spider and the web... 

The are my mom lives in is names after this old farm house... 

I liked it because it reminds me of the Amityville house

Last but not least....Sit Long, Talk often, and Laugh much 

Great news!

I've been so busy lately with work, traveling and my inner thoughts that I skipped one thing!

As of last week, I hit 30 days smoke free!! I have found myself chewing lots and LOTS of gum, but that's ok...my new found addiction is Orbits Bubblemint YUM! I get my two favorite things in one little peice...bubblegum flavor with a hint of mint to freshen up. I carry around the big 60pc container and every time I get the urge to smoke I just grab a piece and start chewing! The only downside is that my jaw is sore from all the chewing but its a small price to pay to not pick up food and eat bad things.

So there's my good news, guess its about time huh? lol

Ruts...

It seems lately that all I post are serious posts with almost nothing positive to say...where's my happiness?

This past week the boys and I visited mom in Memphis and just piddled around town, shopping and site seeing and then winding the visit down on Beale Street.  It was a great time spent with the boys before school starts and seeing mom again.  We make our next trip there for Thanksgiving and then hopefully the next trip there is to pack her place up and move her back to her real home here.

So we're on our way home and I am plowing through the 497 miles to get home...home to my husband, my bed, our dog and just relax before a long day at work.  Finally I'm home!  Our dog greets me at the door and my husband follows.  Things are normal...said he left dinner meat out to make dinner and that he would cook.  Awesome!  Then comes a call from our friend that lives close by, the next thing I know my husband leaves and doesnt come back for almost 2hrs.  Oh but he went over there because our friend was cooking steaks and brought me one home.  Ok thats great, neither one of us has to cook but he leaves again to take butter back over there...another hour goes by and he comes back home.

Now don't get me wrong, I tpyically wouldnt be bothered by something like this..but seriously?  Your wife is gone for 5 days...away from you...and all you can spend with her is about an hour?  You can't tell your buddy that your wife is home and you want to spend time with her?  I guess not.

Am I wrong for having a "I don't feel important to you" feeling?

Siblings...

When you have siblings most would think you know each other almost as well as the back of your hands.  You fight with each other sure, but in the end you are still blood and love each other till the end.

Last night I watched the HBO documentary special There's Something Wrong with Aunt Diane, its a story of a "super mom" type mother driving home from a camping trip with her 3 children and  2 neices who drives the wrong way on a NY highway, killing herself, 2 of her children, both of her neices as well as 3 other innocent drivers.  Autopsy results show that she was drunk and high on pot.  It was a heavy documentary to watch but intriging at the same time.

Her family is in denial that she would ever purposely drink and drive let alone smoke putting the children in danger like that but later admit that they kept a botle of Vodka in their camper during the season for camping trips and admit that she occasionally smoked to help her relax so she could sleep at night.

While I can not relate to this situation directly...I can relate to loosing a loved one in such a way.  My family lost a very dear member, my brother, in a drunk driving accident.  I won't go into details of the story that unfolded, but my brother was the innocent driver killed while the guilty walked away and only served 4yrs for his crime but that's not my point of this post.

My point is that after watching this show, it made me think...how much did or do I really know my brother?  We grew up together until a certain point and then were separated.  He lived with my dad and I with my mom.  That's just how our lives worked out.  After he died, it seemed all I really knew about him was his favorite football team and that he joined the service....I never really knew my brother but one thing I did know, he was the one I looked up to, the one I called my hero.  It made me sad to think that the one person I am suppose to know, I didn't really know.  I remember being so upset because the last time I spoke to him, I didn't tell him I loved him...did I need to tell him or did he already know?  I will never know and only hope he knew.

Always tell your loved ones you love them, take the time to show them how much they mean to you.

I'm quitting..

I've been a smoker since I was 17yrs old and early this month I got a bad cold that later turned to bronchitis.  Any who, since getting sick I have smoked maybe 4-6 cigarettes in the last month.  So I figured that since I have cut down drastically...I am on the road of trying to quit my smoking habit.  Orbitz Bubblemint gum is my new best friend...lol

So there's a short update on the happenings in my little life....have a great weekend everyone!

Bootcamp

I started a Boot camp class not too long ago in order to stick with my resolution of the new job and loosing the weight.  I actually weighed myself the other week and it definitely wasn't as bad as I thought but definitely not as good as I wanted...I need to loose 45lbs to be at my "happy" weight...not the weight the doctors say I should be...but the weight that makes ME happy.

Since then I have had to quit boot camp for financial reasons but with the tools I learned in the class I can continue doing the exercises until I can get back in class.  My trainer is awesome, he's motivating and has faith I can do all the exercises from start to finish.  It helps ALOT.  Anywho that's all the update for now with out going into details lol.

Have a great week everyone!

Time...

too much time alone is dangerous.  All you have time to do is think...and think...and think.

Typical day on the computer checking email, cleaning out the spam, so forth.  Then on to FB and there lies the problem.  Time alone and boredom again is dangerous.  I see posts on my sons FB and decided to log in and check around.  Lots of "friends" on there I don't know, his girlfriend, and his dad's girlfriend..or whatever she is this week.

Any who, I see there's a message and of course I read it..yes I admit...I was snooping.  A "friend" says his g/f is cheating....wow.  so after investigating more.  His g/f only a few days ago went from in a relationship to its complicated to (just yesterday) single.  As I read on more, one of her posts is about how upset she is and then her "friends" make comments about how she was in an 11mo relationship but yet always seems to be in another during that same time.  That she also wanted to go out another guy (according to him) while she is supposedly dating my son, but says her and Bubba are back together again as of yesterday....wow.  I'm shocked at the teens today.  I don't know what to say to him or do.

OK so I got off track, my original reason is the ex girlfriend has an album labeled "our family".  Now anyone who knows me and the things that go on, knows that she is anything BUT a motherly figure in my boys' lives.  She is always yelling at the kids (her own included), her and the ex get into physical fights, cops get called, she's been in jail for assault against their Grandma and their dad, he moves out almost on a regular basis, yet goes back to her every time...and she thinks she has the right to include my boys as "her" family??  It angers me and saddens me at the same time.  My boys want to come home, but I do not have the finances to get them back...not to mention that in cases like mine, the judges in our area have the attitude of "its been over a year and things are working "fine" why change them now?"  Why change them now?!  Because my kids don't want to live in a house where everything is in a uproar and unstable.  They want to be in their own room and able to call things "theirs" and not have to feel guilted into staying with their dad.  Unfortunately their dad is a jerk as well and anytime the kids even mention it, he gets upset and lays on the guilt trip..."do you know what i have done to keep a roof over your head?" and so on.

So yeah too much time on your hands results in this....lol.  I think i need to go out to the pool and get some sun...

I'm a new mom!

We have a new edition to our family!  She's the cutest little thing!  We adopted her a few weeks ago and boy have things  been busy!  She's a handful but we love her just the same.

Meet Tipsy!

Take me out to the ball game....

I'm a little late at posting this BUTTT I gotta brag!  My son had a baseball game this past weekend and did a great job!  He went up to bat twice and hit the ball both times.  The second time he made it to first base and the next 3 batters also hit, which gave him the big chance to score!

Second time up to bat and he made a base hit!

Made it home for a score!

The page has turned..

After my last post I felt myself shutting down, emptiness filling me, and just not caring anymore.  We had a big fight recently, late in the night, that I just felt I could not get passed.  Hurtful things were said and the fight I used to have was gone.  All I could do was sit there and not say a word. I had lost my voice and just went numb. I didn't want to fight with him anymore; I just wanted it to end.  The tears start to well up.  We get home and he keeps on going..and going into the early morning.  So needless to say it was a sleepless night for me. 

Over the next two weeks my feelings didn't change (still have those feelings), I was in a major rut that I couldn't get out of.  I don't know if he could see the emptiness in my eyes or what (probably the combination of it all), but he changed.  The affection was coming back, the consideration, all the things that I loved about him.  I don't know how long it will last but I still have that part of me wanting things to work out.  We attended a wedding this past weekend and to my amazement he was a complete gentleman.  Holding my hand, helping me in and out of the car, escorting me around, it was nice.  Unfortunately I wasn't really there...my thoughts were somewhere else when they should have been there with him.  I'm trying to come back, to find myself, but I know it will be a slow process.  Until then....I will keep on trying.

Crossroads

Not much has happened since my last post except a lot of thinking...I feel that although my life is not unraveling in front me, I do feel that I am not the same person I used to be. I feel like somewhere along the way I lost myself. My happiness. You surround yourself with what you think will make you happy, whether it be people or materialistic things, when deep down you want more. Something to fill that void you know is there. What you have just isn't enough anymore and you just go through the motions from day to day.

Lately (this last year mostly) my marriage has been missing the key parts of what I think make a marriage. We've hit bumpy roads before and some how managed to get past them but the number of bumpy roads are getting closer and closer together. The roads are piling up to the point that now I am at a crossroad of what to do next.

I was asked recently, "Do you love him?" me: Quickly I said "yes" "If you lost him tomorrow, how would you feel?" Me: "I would be devastated, I wouldn't know what to do without him." "Are you still in love with him?" Me: pause..."I don't know"

Another person asked me. "If you were told you had 6 months to live, how would you spend them?" "As in would you want to spend those 6mos married to him?" I had to think about it, with all the bumpy roads recently, I said "Living and being happy". Its all I want...happiness, the feeling I am complete again.

As I said before, somewhere along the way I lost myself....how do you find your way back when the bumpy roads include road blocks? Road blocks that "normal" people would say knock them down and move forward, or find another route and move on. I need to let this out...all my thoughts and feelings....everything. There is always 2 sides to the story, but even those who see first hand think I put up with a lot and with little appreciation.

So with my thoughts, feelings and questions in my head; I go on to live another day and hope to make it to another day.

Teenagers

They have books for "what to expect when your expecting" and "what to expect the first year", but what about one for "what to expect when they are teenagers"

You can't wait to have a baby, a little bundle to share your love with and then you you can't wait until they are born. Once they are born, they just keep on growing until one day when you realize they are teenagers and you wish they were little again. I wouldn't change a thing about my boys, they are growing up into very handsome young men...but jeez loise they bicker and fight (sometimes physically) so much sometimes that I wish they were babies again just to get some peace and quiet...lol.

Here's the real question though, they are both responsible and behave (well as much as a teen normally does) but how old is old enough to stay at home..alone...and at night? I fight this because even though they are 13 & 14 and stay home alone during the day while I'm at work....I still feel uncomfortable leaving them at home in the evening. I mean if I'm less than 15min from the house, I don't mind leaving them because I know I can get there right away. I have the kids about 95% of the weekends (they live with dad), so getting a night out with the girls or even with my hubby is hard to do. I have grandma that is happy to have them over, but she will be moving out of state soon so that is going to be harder.

So parents, with teens, at what age did you feel comfortable leaving your teens at home in the evening being farther than 15min away?

Holidays! Short but sweet...

Thank goodness the holidays are over!  I started my new job and so far I really enjoy it.  Its been a lot to learn but with time I will get it all down and be a pro..lol.  The holidays were good, lots of family time and great food! 

We also had our annual WTTPP (White Trash Trailer Park Party) New year's eve event with a great turn out.  Okay now I know you are thinking "omg, trailer park party?"  Let me explain.

A few years ago hubby and I went to a friends house for NYE and they happen to live in a trailer park.  Not the typical trailer park though, you don't see cars up on cinder blocks, etc.  The park is kind of run like an HOA with guidelines of what you can and can't do to the outside of the house and how cars are stored or parked in the drives.  Any who, we dubbed the party as WTTPP and have had one ever since.  In 2009 we moved into the same park and hosted the party at our place this time....fun times were definitely had!