Why do I care so much about what someone else does?
I was blissfully unaware of the lives around me other than those really close to me...like my kids, mom, best friends...and although I have been "off" these days lately I surely did not expect what I was about to hear today. Things have been good as far as the happenings in my life...emotionally another story. Anyway, things have been an up and down roller coaster as far as when my boyfriend would be moving here to Texas and I had reached a point that until it happens...do not expect the highest. That's actually a good thing cause my emotions are stretched thin as it is. Bill emailed me yesterday and said he had something to tell me but wanted to wait until I was back to "normal"..haha no one is normal, but anyways. So he call me today and we were talking about one thing and I said "oh what was it you wanted to talk me about?" he said he would rather wait and I was like well no time like the present. Plus I didn't want to be thinking about it until then... curiosity kills the cat every time. So he just blurts out, he is going to have a baby with the girl he's with...........dead silence. i was speechless. i hung up as quickly as i could saying i had to go. i was trying my best not to call back or txt him cause after the shock came hurt...then anger...and back to hurt. (seems to be my process) then a chime and he sent me a txt...next thing i know he's telling me all the reasons why he wants a child and called him out on bullshit! all the reasons he gave were just bullshit reasons. i told him that as someone who loves him and cares for him as friend i was trying my hardest to be honest but that i was also holding back. I'm not a very good keeper of my feelings when asked time and time again...i finally spilled. Said i wanted to forget him, didn't want to talk to him in anyway and just forget him but that i couldn't..we had too much history. told him i don't know why i feel the way i do...maybe i was a little jealous he was trying to have a kid with someone else and that i couldn't give that to him. like i took away 6yrs of his life he could have spent with someone else who could give him a kid. maybe it was because it was the reality that he was finally moving on and that i tried so hard to make things work with us but it felt like nothing i ever did or say was enough to make him understand or change his ways. that i would once again have another failed relationship and signing the papers was going to be the hardest thing. He asked "but i thought you were happy now, i thought you were moving on" i am happy (at least i think i am) and i am moving on, but at the same time....i am scared SHITLESS, scared that my current relationship won't work out, scared that once my boyfriend moves here and we are finally together that it will all fall apart right in front of me. i know i have a big heart and i know that i wear it on my sleeve for others to see...that's just how i am. we have a history together that i can not explain and after all these years..we finally have a chance to see where it goes, and that honestly scares the ever living crap out of me. i have never been more scared of a relationship than i am now. am i trying to set myself up for failure? i honestly don't know what i am doing. i know he loves me with all his heart and he sees me for all my faults and blemishes yet he still loves me and that i am the only person he wants to be with. so why should i be scared...i shouldn't be. needless to say i'm still digesting the news and begged him to wait a little longer but at the same time i have no place to ask that of him...i'm at a loss of what else to say or think so i will sign off for now.
