Damn bumps....

I have had a great couple of months...blissfully happy. Found my peace and felt things were looking up...no bumps at all. Then i spoke to soon....no warning sign "BUMP AHEAD". Little did I know just how big it would be. It's been rough...confusion, hurt, anger, and now somewhat of disbelief.  I won't go into details other than I feel like a magnet for guys with problems of the sorts.
The difference this time? I care enough to step back, give him space and time, and be a friend until he can resolve the things he has going on. If you care/love them set them free...if it's meant to be they will come back. Here's hoping!

~ "God does not send us through storms we can not handle but does so to only make us stronger for the future"

Cream cheese queso dip

I got this recipe from a previous co-worker and this has been go to dip for party events.  You can make a "skinnier" version by substituting for lower fat or fat-free.  I use a crock pot because I am usually making a double batch and it makes it easier to keep warm

1 lb. (16oz) sausage
2 pkg (8oz) cream cheese
1 can Rotel

Brown sausage and drain, combine all ingredients in crockpot and place on high until cream cheese has melted. Stirring occasionally.

Serve with chips or anything that sounds yummy with the dip!  It has always been a great hit and enjoyed by all!

Why do I.....

Why do I care so much about what someone else does?

I was blissfully unaware of the lives around me other than those really close to me...like my kids, mom, best friends...and although I have been "off" these days lately I surely did not expect what I was about to hear today.  Things have been good as far as the happenings in my life...emotionally another story.  Anyway, things have been an up and down roller coaster as far as when my boyfriend would be moving here to Texas and I had reached a point that until it happens...do not expect the highest.  That's actually a good thing cause my emotions are stretched thin as it is.  Bill emailed me yesterday and said he had something to tell me but wanted to wait until I was back to "normal"..haha no one is normal, but anyways.  So he call me today and we were talking about one thing and I said "oh what was it you wanted to talk me about?" he said he would rather wait and I was like well no time like the present.  Plus I didn't want to be thinking about it until then... curiosity kills the cat every time.  So he just blurts out, he is going to have a baby with the girl he's with...........dead silence.  i was speechless. i hung up as quickly as i could saying i had to go.  i was trying my best not to call back or txt him cause after the shock came hurt...then anger...and back to hurt. (seems to be my process)  then a chime and he sent me a txt...next thing i know he's telling me all the reasons why he wants a child and called him out on bullshit!  all the reasons he gave were just bullshit reasons. i told him that as someone who loves him and cares for him as friend i was trying my hardest to be honest but that i was also holding back.  I'm not a very good keeper of my feelings when asked time and time again...i finally spilled.  Said i wanted to forget him, didn't want to talk to him in anyway and just forget him but that i couldn't..we had too much history.  told him i don't know why i feel the way i do...maybe i was a little jealous he was trying to have a kid with someone else and that i couldn't give that to him.  like i took away 6yrs of his life he could have spent with someone else who could give him a kid.  maybe it was because it was the reality that he was finally moving on and that i tried so hard to make things work with us but it felt like nothing i ever did or say was enough to make him understand or change his ways. that i would once again have another failed relationship and signing the papers was going to be the hardest thing.  He asked "but i thought you were happy now, i thought you were moving on"  i am happy (at least i think i am) and i am moving on, but at the same time....i am scared SHITLESS, scared that my current relationship won't work out, scared that once my boyfriend moves here and we are finally together that it will all fall apart right in front of me.  i know i have a big heart and i know that i wear it on my sleeve for others to see...that's just how i am.  we have a history together that i can not explain and after all these years..we finally have a chance to see where it goes, and that honestly scares the ever living crap out of me.  i have never been more scared of a relationship than i am now.  am i trying to set myself up for failure?  i honestly don't know what i am doing.  i know he loves me with all his heart and he sees me for all my faults and blemishes yet he still loves me and that i am the only person he wants to be with.  so why should i be scared...i shouldn't be.  needless to say i'm still digesting the news and begged him to wait a little longer but at the same time i have no place to ask that of him...i'm at a loss of what else to say or think so i will sign off for now.

Enough...

When is enough..enough?  That's a good question and I wish to god I knew the answer.  No matter what obstacles I come across I have to remember that if it's out of my control, let it be.  That is easier said than done.  Today for example..on my way home it seemed everyone was just learning how to drive but they were all driving stupid.  I asked..God just get me home in one piece.  Well I did get home in one piece, let the dog out and then went to renew my lease.  In the process of leaving what happens?...you guessed it...I backed into a lady. *sigh* First "at fault" accident I have had in 10yrs!  So to remind myself...breathe!

Reflection

Once in awhile we should all sit back for a moment and just reflect on our past.  While our past should never define us as a person, it definitely is part of who we become and how we think.  I was at the nail salon getting a much needed pedicure with my friend Heather and while we were chatting away about this and that, the subject of blogging and getting our thoughts out of head and in the open came up...I know pretty intense conversation for the nail salon..lol.  In all honesty though it helped me tremendously.  I talked about a conversation I had with my mom about my early childhood and all the things I had pushed back so far into my mind that I couldn't remember any of it.  What I thought was a dream of me being put in a car with suitcases and such was about me moving...it was in fact a real life event of being taken away by CPS.  Its scary to think that I have had this dream on a few occasions and not until we talked about my childhood did it all make sense.  I would love to say that my childhood was full of happiness and love with nothing bad ever happening but that is not the case.  Once I was living with my mom, that was when my life took a turn...sure there were bumpy roads and sure it was sometimes scary for reasons I might explain later but I felt the love and had the stability I so desperately needed.  Sadly my way of coping with tragedy or "bad" thing in my life is to push them so far back into my mind that I forget the actual events of it and have to be told what happened.  Even something as recent as 6yrs ago I have to be reminded or reread past blog entries to remember the events of it all.

Anyway...my point is that even though we remember the past or in my case forget the past...it shouldn't define who we are but help us to remember that we are strong in our own way and that we can overcome life's obstacles.

With that in mind....think of this "God does not send us through storms we can not handle but does so to only make us stronger for the future"

Just another day in my crazy life

Those of you who know me, know that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and take on more than I should which of course can send me into a spiral.  I am not afraid to say it out loud cause well we all have problems in one way or another and deal with things differently.  

I have always had issues with depression in one way or another and it's taken me a long time to get where I am today while fighting it tooth and nail.  I used to believe that all the things going wrong in my life were my fault and that I had all the power to change it but just didn't know how.  So once I moved to Coppell, I was on the road to make a better me...a better Dani.  I knew it would be a slow and sometimes a hard process...a year later I am almost where I want to be.  It's been a rough one to say the least, full of heart ache, frustration, let downs, health issues, and so much more.  So many times I wanted to just give up...just yell at the top of my lungs "i give up!  I want no more!"  I had and have so many who were there for me through the happy times...the sad times...even the "i give up" times and I am forever appreciative of that.

Recently I had a trip to the doctor and out of concern and my history, a long string (or what seemed long) of tests were ensued.  MRI..check and normal, EKG..check and normal, EEG...check and normal, boobie...check and normal  Ultrasound...check and found a couple of cysts.  Of all things to "help"...birth control.  Seriously? Ok, guess we'll give it a go. So a month later....my depression came back with a vengeance   I am fighting it the best I can considering I may have a few more months of this before it will possibly even out again.  The worst part of all this is that my depression tends to take over and the next thing I know...everything makes me upset, irritable, and I withdraw from others.

Why am I saying all of this?

Well because I have seen myself pulling away from others and I am afraid it will hurt my relationship with them.  I don't want that...they are in my life and vice versa for a reason and I fully believe that reason is to help each other when in need.  They are my rocks in this crazy world and my crazy day to day I call life.

Why would anyone care?
This is where some would say it doesn't matter what others think or if they care...well to the few and far between of people in my life, it matters alot.  I rely on them to help me when I fall..or fall from grace and make mistakes...that's what friends do and I would hope those who are in my life, feel the same way about me being in their life.

I am far from perfect but in their eyes...I am perfect with a bit of character.  Thank you for sticking by me when my "character" takes over and for being understanding.

Short but sweet..

I seem to have extra baggage surrounding me an it's time to see what stays an what goes...it started last night an will continue until only the necessities are left..whether emotional or materialistic. It's like i went to sleep an had a revelation in sleep. Haha

Anyway...have a great Friday!

Long day..

But very productive! Got a lot of work done, sold some items on craigslist, and now enjoying my evening with my god kids for my god daughters birthday! She's 10yrs old today and it seems like just yesterday she was a 4yr old tomboy an running naked through the house haha. Now she's a sassy girl who loves the girly stuff but still has some tomboy in her.

Love you Elana!!

A new beginning...

Too many times (more than I care to list) I can remember how easy it is to rant about the negative things going on in my life.  The hard part....remembering how many times I have raved about the GOOD things in my life.  So instead of waiting waiting until Thanksgiving, I am going to start now.  Maybe..just maybe...raving about the good in my life will move the negative on the back burner and make them easier to deal with.

So I am starting today.  My good thing(s) for today...although I overslept this morning I was able to make it work on time and early I might add, got right to work and accomplished quiet a bit today before leaving early.  I had my EEG testing today and was actually relaxed regardless of what the results may be.  It's one thing I have been worried about but today I felt as ease and was glad to get it out of the way.

My neurologist diagnosed me as having Vasovagal Syncope or a fancy term for "fainting spells".  It doesn't happen often but it also makes me aware just how important my health is not only for myself, but also for my boys.  I want to get back to the gym and work on my health that way as well.  I felt sooo much better when I was working out.

Anywho, that's my good thing(s) for the day!

Do over...

I fell off the darn wagon again and well I just caught up with it last week.  Thankfully I haven't fallen off since and I'm hanging on for dear life!  A lot...and I do mean A LOT has happened.  Just a quick run down with out dragging it all down..lol

In March I finally had the courage to tell my husband that I although I loved him, I wasn't in love with him and was unhappy in our marriage.  I did my best to explain to him my feelings and thoughts, letting him know that it was too late to "fix" things and that a temporary fix was not an option.  We both struggled for weeks and he hoped I would change my mind but it wasn't going to happen.  I had made up my mind this was what I needed to get back to me...back to the me that used to be happy.  He seemed to have accepted the fact.  I found an apartment and moved out Memorial day weekend.  (seems to be a pattern and irony here..i'll explain later another post perhaps).

So in the process of moving I hurt my knee and thankfully had some great friends to help me and I was able to nurse my knee back to normal.  No clue how it happened but I live on the second floor and going down the stairs was painful!

Anywho....the Tuesday after I moved I get into a car accident and got rear-ended..not fun I tell ya!

See what I mean?....and I was stopped at the light.  Anyways, long and short of it.  My spine got twisted at the neck, and instead of my spine being curved at the neck it is straight...

www.garygreen.me

So in effort to fix it, the Chiropractor suggested I come in for adjustments 3 times a week.  Eesh!  So to be sure I am not doing more harm than good, I went to see my regular doctor.  I gave them the ex-rays, and they of course examined me.  They Rx muscle relaxers to help and glad to have them as they help when I need them most and do not need them everyday.  So now I not only have the Chiropractor to see I have to go back in to the regular doctor for a follow up on that visit and go back again for a follow up from my first visit to see him and then my lab work.  So I guess you can say I am going to have the chance to really get to know my doctors over the next month or so lol.

An being back on the wagon I think is the reason I got sick and fighting a horrible cough and chest congestion...so all the more reason to stay away from the cigarettes!

So I guess that is it for now!  I will post pictures of the new place soon...still have a lot of boxes around and I am not quite "set-up" yet. Maybe a sneak peek....

hahahaha....you thought I was going to post it...this is my front door ;)

Good nite for now!!

Slacking...alot

I've really been slacking on here and need to get back to it!  So here goes...oh but where to start?!  There's the good, the bad, and the blah...so we'll start with the bad..and with the good!

I'm still working out my inner thoughts of how my marriage is going and have yet been able to get him to understand just what i'm feeling.  We are still disconnected and yet can put a great united front around friends and family.  I feel like there's no outlet for me, so I use FB and I get "scorned" for it because I post too much about my personal life.  Since when is it your place to tell me what I can and can not say about my life?  If I didn't want anyone to know something I wouldn't post it..i would keep it to myself.  Anyways.  I try not to feel resentment towards him but how can you not when nothing he does makes you feel like he wants you whether intimately or even just as his spouse?  Its like living with a person you have a mad crush on but yet they never acknowledge you even exist to them.  I have tried so much, in the best way i know how, that I have finally given up.  I can't go on living like i'm happy when deep inside I'm not.  I've lost myself and who I am.  I "think" i feel more like me when I am around my friends...MY friends...the ones I hardly see anymore because his friends and plans come first.  I want MY life back and I want MY friends back in my life and I want MY inner self to be happy again.  I WILL make it happen...as soon as possible, little by little.

My job has taken a turn for possibly the better.  We had someone leave and I have taken over their responsibilities and it has taken me from not so busy to uber busy...yup my favorite word...uber!  I have taken on a lot and I guess you could say I am the go to person for at least 2 of the major things our team deals with.  Its a lot to take on considering I am still new to it and do not know all the ins and outs but I am getting there!  The boss really utilizes me for questions and taking the reins on it and I tell ya, that feels damn good!  I want to move up in the company and to some this may be a small stepping stone...but for me its always a big one because I have done it in such a short time.  I guess that is one of my strengths in my work history...give the time and opportunities to excel and I will.  I will take it on and roll with it.  I am hoping that if things keep going this way I might just be able to make it.  Course it helps that after my one year review I got a raise...nothing to write home about but it was something...and the fact out of team of 15, I was in the top 3 and got a score of 4 out of 5...loving it!

I have also decided that one way to get "back to me" is to start working on my photography hobby.  I have done sessions with my girlfriend Josey and her kids (my god kids), one my girls from work, my best friend and her girls, and then just recently a family session.  I was so excited to get the opportunity and very happy they all enjoyed their photos!  I post some below (bragging rights about myself...lol).  I plan to take a few classes that will cover mostly the basics and how to use my camera (more for the extra features it has) and I can not wait!  The first class is really how to take a regular point/shoot digital camera and make everyday pictures better.  Which is good because even though mine is just that and not a DSLR (my dream camera), its a few steps below a DSLR as far as features.  So that will help me tremendously!  The second class is more in depth, and covers more of the fundamentals of photography and how to take better pictures (like ISO settings and such)  That sounded smart huh?  I still have no clue how the ISO stuff works...but I am going to learn!

So there you have it!  I got you all caught up and if you are still reading this at this point...I am still smoke free!  I am back to boot camp and trying to eat healthy.  I have about 45lbs I want to loose but I know it will take time now that I am getting older..lol.  So until next time, here are some photos I took for you to enjoy!

Fell off

This past weekend I fell off the wagon.  I had been struggling to stay on and after all of this past week's events, I fell right off on my butt.  I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes.  I finished the pack and starting tomorrow, I am back on the wagon.  I think I did pretty darn good for quitting cold turkey.  But alas, I have to start the counting all over again.

Hope everyone's weekend was a good one!

Happiness

Where's my happiness?  I lost it a long time ago and still have yet to find it.  I try to find the good things in life and stay positive but that's really hard to do when you feel knocked down by one thing or another everyday.

We still have our issues that go unresolved day after day that ends with one of us throwing ours hands up and walking away.  I've made my mind up..I know what I want, yet it seems so far away.  Like everyday it gets farther and farther away.  I want to speak up and say everything that is on my mind but I know that will only make things worse.  I know I am just cheating myself by staying silent but what else is there to do until I find the courage to speak out.

Once before I was in this situation and it only took waking up to realize it.  Why cant it happen again?  Make it happen like pulling off a band aid....painful yet quick.

My previous post Mean - Pink really describes me...how i'm feeling and how I see things in this moment.

Mean - Pink

"Mean" - Pink

You use to hold the door for me
Now you can't wait to leave
You use to send me flowers if
You fucked up in my dreams
I use to make you laugh
With all the silly shit I did
Now you roll your eyes and
Walk away and shake your head

When the spark has gone and the candles are out
And the song is done and there's no more sound
Whispers turn to yelling and I'm thinking

[Chorus:]
How do we get so mean? How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning
When it comes and everythings undone?
Is it 'cause we wanna be free? Well that's not me.
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor
Like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be

I'm always sentimental when I think of how it was
When love was sweet and new and we just couldn't get enough
The shower, it reminds me you'd undress me with your eyes
And now you never touch me and you tell me that you're tired

You know it gets so sad when it all goes bad
And all you think about is all the fun you've had
And all those "sorry"'s ain't never gonna mean a thing

[Chorus]

I know we said some things that we can never take back
It's like a train wreck trying to hit the right track
We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe
But we should've drank it down while it was still sweet
It all goes bad eventually

Now do we stay together 'cause we're scared to be alone
We got so used to this abuse it kind of feels like home
But my baby I just really wanna know oh.

[Chorus x2] 

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/pink/mean.html

Careers...part 2

So I got a call from a friend the other day and she tells me her company has an open position and thought of me.  Now before you say or think anything...I know I have only been at my current job for 10mos but seriously, I only took the job because I needed a permanent position and benefits because the last one was a contract position.  Since then I have determined that I really can't see myself doing this for a long time.  So when she called I jumped on it.  So I am prepping my resume and will hopefully spark an interest for an interview.

Now on the other hand, when I mention this to my husband...his response?  "You haven't even been at this one a year!  You promised!"  I promised, I know, but how can I pass up a chance to work for a better company, with locations all over the area, and MORE money?  You would think my husband at least supportive, but instead goes the other way.  Like he doesn't want me to better myself and my salary.  I don't understand this...

Anyone want to enlighten me on this?

Decisions...

Part I

Some are easy and some are just down right difficult.  Everyday I make the easy decision to get up and go to work and to raise my kids the best I can.  However everyday I struggle with the decision to either stay in my marriage and make it work or to walk away knowing that I tried.

We started out with one of those stories that most dream of... childhood sweethearts who loose touch and 20yrs later we meet again and get married.  Our first year together was rough and emotional but we made it through.  Things were alright for two more years and we (or really maybe just me) have been struggling ever since.  I'm worn down and really feel that is why I struggle everyday.

I feel like I'm alone in this marriage, we're room-mates that just happen to sleep in the same bed.  We have separate lives, things we are invited to as a couple he goes to with out me just because the kids are home instead of declining the invite.  When I plan things with the kids; he stays home.  I can't talk to him the way I want to..the way I need to.

(it took me 2 hours to write this first part because my thoughts are so scrambled)

Part II

So the past weekend, I didn't necessarily have a epiphany or awaking of what I wanted to do but more of a talk with one of my girlfriends about the situation at hand.  Through the talking and the spilling of my thoughts I realized...I have had my answer to my solution all this time.  That deep down I knew and know what I want.  So I am going to act upon it and move forward until my mission is complete.

When the time is right I will reveal the mission but until then its top secret :)

ps...totally on another subject.  But when did it become the Man's position to tell his wife when to leave a job and when to stay?  Granted I havent been at my job for a year yet..BUT since I started so much has changed and its just a job now.  I don't enjoy it as much anymore.  So if you were not happy at your current job, and had an oppotunity with a great company and a chance for more money as well...would you at least look into it??

Careers

This is a question for the masses.  How did you decide what you wanted to do as a career?  Did you know from the beginning or did it kind of "fall" into your lap?

I have been contemplating about going back to school and finally go in the direction of a career and not just a job but I am clueless as to what I want to do with the rest of my life!  Its such a big decision.  You want to think about it carefully otherwise you risk loosing time and money.  I think back to a job I had working with Commercial Insurance Compliance and remember really enjoying it and the knowledge I learned along the way...the down side, most companies wont pay anywhere close to what I am making now or they pay a low base wage plus bonus.

Anyways...would love to hear your input on this and maybe our own story of how you got where you are.

Creativity...

I am by no means a creative person and usually need "inspiration" from the web as I tend to get bored very quickly with decor, colors, or what have you when it comes to my home and anything else.  It was nothing new when it came to a point that I was tired of my blog's look; so I hit Google for some inspiration. 

I am in the hot pink & black mood with some zebra thrown in (hence the style now) and found a great header that I absolutely adored!  So I found my inspiration and was now on the hunt to find the "ingredients" to make that perfect header that the rest of my blog would revolve around.  I found the zebra print off google Images and used my new trusty photo editing program to add the bling.  I added the hot pink band, black band, floral, and "hot lips" all with Picnik...I had a blast.

Credits:
Inspiration:  Sassy Stitches & Blingy Britches
Research source: Google Images
Editing: Picnik

New memories

I meant to post some pictures as well of our trip to Memphis, so here you go!

First of many attempts to shoot toothpicks in the ceiling..

And the many failed attempts... 

Omg...look at you!...you have a baby....in a bar!

My youngest and I on Beale Street 

At the Hard Rock Cafe...wish he would just smile instead of silly faces ;)

The family portrait

(youngest son, oldest son, me and my mom) 

A very animated son hehe 

Can you find the Gorilla?

An Elephant? 

The kids just had to have a picture of the spider and the web... 

The are my mom lives in is names after this old farm house... 

I liked it because it reminds me of the Amityville house

Last but not least....Sit Long, Talk often, and Laugh much 

Great news!

I've been so busy lately with work, traveling and my inner thoughts that I skipped one thing!

As of last week, I hit 30 days smoke free!! I have found myself chewing lots and LOTS of gum, but that's ok...my new found addiction is Orbits Bubblemint YUM! I get my two favorite things in one little peice...bubblegum flavor with a hint of mint to freshen up. I carry around the big 60pc container and every time I get the urge to smoke I just grab a piece and start chewing! The only downside is that my jaw is sore from all the chewing but its a small price to pay to not pick up food and eat bad things.

So there's my good news, guess its about time huh? lol