Why do I.....

Why do I care so much about what someone else does?

I was blissfully unaware of the lives around me other than those really close to me...like my kids, mom, best friends...and although I have been "off" these days lately I surely did not expect what I was about to hear today.  Things have been good as far as the happenings in my life...emotionally another story.  Anyway, things have been an up and down roller coaster as far as when my boyfriend would be moving here to Texas and I had reached a point that until it happens...do not expect the highest.  That's actually a good thing cause my emotions are stretched thin as it is.  Bill emailed me yesterday and said he had something to tell me but wanted to wait until I was back to "normal"..haha no one is normal, but anyways.  So he call me today and we were talking about one thing and I said "oh what was it you wanted to talk me about?" he said he would rather wait and I was like well no time like the present.  Plus I didn't want to be thinking about it until then... curiosity kills the cat every time.  So he just blurts out, he is going to have a baby with the girl he's with...........dead silence.  i was speechless. i hung up as quickly as i could saying i had to go.  i was trying my best not to call back or txt him cause after the shock came hurt...then anger...and back to hurt. (seems to be my process)  then a chime and he sent me a txt...next thing i know he's telling me all the reasons why he wants a child and called him out on bullshit!  all the reasons he gave were just bullshit reasons. i told him that as someone who loves him and cares for him as friend i was trying my hardest to be honest but that i was also holding back.  I'm not a very good keeper of my feelings when asked time and time again...i finally spilled.  Said i wanted to forget him, didn't want to talk to him in anyway and just forget him but that i couldn't..we had too much history.  told him i don't know why i feel the way i do...maybe i was a little jealous he was trying to have a kid with someone else and that i couldn't give that to him.  like i took away 6yrs of his life he could have spent with someone else who could give him a kid.  maybe it was because it was the reality that he was finally moving on and that i tried so hard to make things work with us but it felt like nothing i ever did or say was enough to make him understand or change his ways. that i would once again have another failed relationship and signing the papers was going to be the hardest thing.  He asked "but i thought you were happy now, i thought you were moving on"  i am happy (at least i think i am) and i am moving on, but at the same time....i am scared SHITLESS, scared that my current relationship won't work out, scared that once my boyfriend moves here and we are finally together that it will all fall apart right in front of me.  i know i have a big heart and i know that i wear it on my sleeve for others to see...that's just how i am.  we have a history together that i can not explain and after all these years..we finally have a chance to see where it goes, and that honestly scares the ever living crap out of me.  i have never been more scared of a relationship than i am now.  am i trying to set myself up for failure?  i honestly don't know what i am doing.  i know he loves me with all his heart and he sees me for all my faults and blemishes yet he still loves me and that i am the only person he wants to be with.  so why should i be scared...i shouldn't be.  needless to say i'm still digesting the news and begged him to wait a little longer but at the same time i have no place to ask that of him...i'm at a loss of what else to say or think so i will sign off for now.

Enough...

When is enough..enough?  That's a good question and I wish to god I knew the answer.  No matter what obstacles I come across I have to remember that if it's out of my control, let it be.  That is easier said than done.  Today for example..on my way home it seemed everyone was just learning how to drive but they were all driving stupid.  I asked..God just get me home in one piece.  Well I did get home in one piece, let the dog out and then went to renew my lease.  In the process of leaving what happens?...you guessed it...I backed into a lady. *sigh* First "at fault" accident I have had in 10yrs!  So to remind myself...breathe!

Reflection

Once in awhile we should all sit back for a moment and just reflect on our past.  While our past should never define us as a person, it definitely is part of who we become and how we think.  I was at the nail salon getting a much needed pedicure with my friend Heather and while we were chatting away about this and that, the subject of blogging and getting our thoughts out of head and in the open came up...I know pretty intense conversation for the nail salon..lol.  In all honesty though it helped me tremendously.  I talked about a conversation I had with my mom about my early childhood and all the things I had pushed back so far into my mind that I couldn't remember any of it.  What I thought was a dream of me being put in a car with suitcases and such was about me moving...it was in fact a real life event of being taken away by CPS.  Its scary to think that I have had this dream on a few occasions and not until we talked about my childhood did it all make sense.  I would love to say that my childhood was full of happiness and love with nothing bad ever happening but that is not the case.  Once I was living with my mom, that was when my life took a turn...sure there were bumpy roads and sure it was sometimes scary for reasons I might explain later but I felt the love and had the stability I so desperately needed.  Sadly my way of coping with tragedy or "bad" thing in my life is to push them so far back into my mind that I forget the actual events of it and have to be told what happened.  Even something as recent as 6yrs ago I have to be reminded or reread past blog entries to remember the events of it all.

Anyway...my point is that even though we remember the past or in my case forget the past...it shouldn't define who we are but help us to remember that we are strong in our own way and that we can overcome life's obstacles.

With that in mind....think of this "God does not send us through storms we can not handle but does so to only make us stronger for the future"

Just another day in my crazy life

Those of you who know me, know that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and take on more than I should which of course can send me into a spiral.  I am not afraid to say it out loud cause well we all have problems in one way or another and deal with things differently.  

I have always had issues with depression in one way or another and it's taken me a long time to get where I am today while fighting it tooth and nail.  I used to believe that all the things going wrong in my life were my fault and that I had all the power to change it but just didn't know how.  So once I moved to Coppell, I was on the road to make a better me...a better Dani.  I knew it would be a slow and sometimes a hard process...a year later I am almost where I want to be.  It's been a rough one to say the least, full of heart ache, frustration, let downs, health issues, and so much more.  So many times I wanted to just give up...just yell at the top of my lungs "i give up!  I want no more!"  I had and have so many who were there for me through the happy times...the sad times...even the "i give up" times and I am forever appreciative of that.

Recently I had a trip to the doctor and out of concern and my history, a long string (or what seemed long) of tests were ensued.  MRI..check and normal, EKG..check and normal, EEG...check and normal, boobie...check and normal  Ultrasound...check and found a couple of cysts.  Of all things to "help"...birth control.  Seriously? Ok, guess we'll give it a go. So a month later....my depression came back with a vengeance   I am fighting it the best I can considering I may have a few more months of this before it will possibly even out again.  The worst part of all this is that my depression tends to take over and the next thing I know...everything makes me upset, irritable, and I withdraw from others.

Why am I saying all of this?

Well because I have seen myself pulling away from others and I am afraid it will hurt my relationship with them.  I don't want that...they are in my life and vice versa for a reason and I fully believe that reason is to help each other when in need.  They are my rocks in this crazy world and my crazy day to day I call life.

Why would anyone care?
This is where some would say it doesn't matter what others think or if they care...well to the few and far between of people in my life, it matters alot.  I rely on them to help me when I fall..or fall from grace and make mistakes...that's what friends do and I would hope those who are in my life, feel the same way about me being in their life.

I am far from perfect but in their eyes...I am perfect with a bit of character.  Thank you for sticking by me when my "character" takes over and for being understanding.

Short but sweet..

I seem to have extra baggage surrounding me an it's time to see what stays an what goes...it started last night an will continue until only the necessities are left..whether emotional or materialistic. It's like i went to sleep an had a revelation in sleep. Haha

Anyway...have a great Friday!