Time...

too much time alone is dangerous.  All you have time to do is think...and think...and think.

Typical day on the computer checking email, cleaning out the spam, so forth.  Then on to FB and there lies the problem.  Time alone and boredom again is dangerous.  I see posts on my sons FB and decided to log in and check around.  Lots of "friends" on there I don't know, his girlfriend, and his dad's girlfriend..or whatever she is this week.

Any who, I see there's a message and of course I read it..yes I admit...I was snooping.  A "friend" says his g/f is cheating....wow.  so after investigating more.  His g/f only a few days ago went from in a relationship to its complicated to (just yesterday) single.  As I read on more, one of her posts is about how upset she is and then her "friends" make comments about how she was in an 11mo relationship but yet always seems to be in another during that same time.  That she also wanted to go out another guy (according to him) while she is supposedly dating my son, but says her and Bubba are back together again as of yesterday....wow.  I'm shocked at the teens today.  I don't know what to say to him or do.

OK so I got off track, my original reason is the ex girlfriend has an album labeled "our family".  Now anyone who knows me and the things that go on, knows that she is anything BUT a motherly figure in my boys' lives.  She is always yelling at the kids (her own included), her and the ex get into physical fights, cops get called, she's been in jail for assault against their Grandma and their dad, he moves out almost on a regular basis, yet goes back to her every time...and she thinks she has the right to include my boys as "her" family??  It angers me and saddens me at the same time.  My boys want to come home, but I do not have the finances to get them back...not to mention that in cases like mine, the judges in our area have the attitude of "its been over a year and things are working "fine" why change them now?"  Why change them now?!  Because my kids don't want to live in a house where everything is in a uproar and unstable.  They want to be in their own room and able to call things "theirs" and not have to feel guilted into staying with their dad.  Unfortunately their dad is a jerk as well and anytime the kids even mention it, he gets upset and lays on the guilt trip..."do you know what i have done to keep a roof over your head?" and so on.

So yeah too much time on your hands results in this....lol.  I think i need to go out to the pool and get some sun...

I'm a new mom!

We have a new edition to our family!  She's the cutest little thing!  We adopted her a few weeks ago and boy have things  been busy!  She's a handful but we love her just the same.

Meet Tipsy!

Take me out to the ball game....

I'm a little late at posting this BUTTT I gotta brag!  My son had a baseball game this past weekend and did a great job!  He went up to bat twice and hit the ball both times.  The second time he made it to first base and the next 3 batters also hit, which gave him the big chance to score!

Second time up to bat and he made a base hit!

Made it home for a score!

The page has turned..

After my last post I felt myself shutting down, emptiness filling me, and just not caring anymore.  We had a big fight recently, late in the night, that I just felt I could not get passed.  Hurtful things were said and the fight I used to have was gone.  All I could do was sit there and not say a word. I had lost my voice and just went numb. I didn't want to fight with him anymore; I just wanted it to end.  The tears start to well up.  We get home and he keeps on going..and going into the early morning.  So needless to say it was a sleepless night for me. 

Over the next two weeks my feelings didn't change (still have those feelings), I was in a major rut that I couldn't get out of.  I don't know if he could see the emptiness in my eyes or what (probably the combination of it all), but he changed.  The affection was coming back, the consideration, all the things that I loved about him.  I don't know how long it will last but I still have that part of me wanting things to work out.  We attended a wedding this past weekend and to my amazement he was a complete gentleman.  Holding my hand, helping me in and out of the car, escorting me around, it was nice.  Unfortunately I wasn't really there...my thoughts were somewhere else when they should have been there with him.  I'm trying to come back, to find myself, but I know it will be a slow process.  Until then....I will keep on trying.

Crossroads

Not much has happened since my last post except a lot of thinking...I feel that although my life is not unraveling in front me, I do feel that I am not the same person I used to be. I feel like somewhere along the way I lost myself. My happiness. You surround yourself with what you think will make you happy, whether it be people or materialistic things, when deep down you want more. Something to fill that void you know is there. What you have just isn't enough anymore and you just go through the motions from day to day.

Lately (this last year mostly) my marriage has been missing the key parts of what I think make a marriage. We've hit bumpy roads before and some how managed to get past them but the number of bumpy roads are getting closer and closer together. The roads are piling up to the point that now I am at a crossroad of what to do next.

I was asked recently, "Do you love him?" me: Quickly I said "yes" "If you lost him tomorrow, how would you feel?" Me: "I would be devastated, I wouldn't know what to do without him." "Are you still in love with him?" Me: pause..."I don't know"

Another person asked me. "If you were told you had 6 months to live, how would you spend them?" "As in would you want to spend those 6mos married to him?" I had to think about it, with all the bumpy roads recently, I said "Living and being happy". Its all I want...happiness, the feeling I am complete again.

As I said before, somewhere along the way I lost myself....how do you find your way back when the bumpy roads include road blocks? Road blocks that "normal" people would say knock them down and move forward, or find another route and move on. I need to let this out...all my thoughts and feelings....everything. There is always 2 sides to the story, but even those who see first hand think I put up with a lot and with little appreciation.

So with my thoughts, feelings and questions in my head; I go on to live another day and hope to make it to another day.