The page has turned..

After my last post I felt myself shutting down, emptiness filling me, and just not caring anymore.  We had a big fight recently, late in the night, that I just felt I could not get passed.  Hurtful things were said and the fight I used to have was gone.  All I could do was sit there and not say a word. I had lost my voice and just went numb. I didn't want to fight with him anymore; I just wanted it to end.  The tears start to well up.  We get home and he keeps on going..and going into the early morning.  So needless to say it was a sleepless night for me. 

Over the next two weeks my feelings didn't change (still have those feelings), I was in a major rut that I couldn't get out of.  I don't know if he could see the emptiness in my eyes or what (probably the combination of it all), but he changed.  The affection was coming back, the consideration, all the things that I loved about him.  I don't know how long it will last but I still have that part of me wanting things to work out.  We attended a wedding this past weekend and to my amazement he was a complete gentleman.  Holding my hand, helping me in and out of the car, escorting me around, it was nice.  Unfortunately I wasn't really there...my thoughts were somewhere else when they should have been there with him.  I'm trying to come back, to find myself, but I know it will be a slow process.  Until then....I will keep on trying.

Crossroads

Not much has happened since my last post except a lot of thinking...I feel that although my life is not unraveling in front me, I do feel that I am not the same person I used to be. I feel like somewhere along the way I lost myself. My happiness. You surround yourself with what you think will make you happy, whether it be people or materialistic things, when deep down you want more. Something to fill that void you know is there. What you have just isn't enough anymore and you just go through the motions from day to day.

Lately (this last year mostly) my marriage has been missing the key parts of what I think make a marriage. We've hit bumpy roads before and some how managed to get past them but the number of bumpy roads are getting closer and closer together. The roads are piling up to the point that now I am at a crossroad of what to do next.

I was asked recently, "Do you love him?" me: Quickly I said "yes" "If you lost him tomorrow, how would you feel?" Me: "I would be devastated, I wouldn't know what to do without him." "Are you still in love with him?" Me: pause..."I don't know"

Another person asked me. "If you were told you had 6 months to live, how would you spend them?" "As in would you want to spend those 6mos married to him?" I had to think about it, with all the bumpy roads recently, I said "Living and being happy". Its all I want...happiness, the feeling I am complete again.

As I said before, somewhere along the way I lost myself....how do you find your way back when the bumpy roads include road blocks? Road blocks that "normal" people would say knock them down and move forward, or find another route and move on. I need to let this out...all my thoughts and feelings....everything. There is always 2 sides to the story, but even those who see first hand think I put up with a lot and with little appreciation.

So with my thoughts, feelings and questions in my head; I go on to live another day and hope to make it to another day.

Teenagers

They have books for "what to expect when your expecting" and "what to expect the first year", but what about one for "what to expect when they are teenagers"

You can't wait to have a baby, a little bundle to share your love with and then you you can't wait until they are born. Once they are born, they just keep on growing until one day when you realize they are teenagers and you wish they were little again. I wouldn't change a thing about my boys, they are growing up into very handsome young men...but jeez loise they bicker and fight (sometimes physically) so much sometimes that I wish they were babies again just to get some peace and quiet...lol.

Here's the real question though, they are both responsible and behave (well as much as a teen normally does) but how old is old enough to stay at home..alone...and at night? I fight this because even though they are 13 & 14 and stay home alone during the day while I'm at work....I still feel uncomfortable leaving them at home in the evening. I mean if I'm less than 15min from the house, I don't mind leaving them because I know I can get there right away. I have the kids about 95% of the weekends (they live with dad), so getting a night out with the girls or even with my hubby is hard to do. I have grandma that is happy to have them over, but she will be moving out of state soon so that is going to be harder.

So parents, with teens, at what age did you feel comfortable leaving your teens at home in the evening being farther than 15min away?

Holidays! Short but sweet...

Thank goodness the holidays are over!  I started my new job and so far I really enjoy it.  Its been a lot to learn but with time I will get it all down and be a pro..lol.  The holidays were good, lots of family time and great food! 

We also had our annual WTTPP (White Trash Trailer Park Party) New year's eve event with a great turn out.  Okay now I know you are thinking "omg, trailer park party?"  Let me explain.

A few years ago hubby and I went to a friends house for NYE and they happen to live in a trailer park.  Not the typical trailer park though, you don't see cars up on cinder blocks, etc.  The park is kind of run like an HOA with guidelines of what you can and can't do to the outside of the house and how cars are stored or parked in the drives.  Any who, we dubbed the party as WTTPP and have had one ever since.  In 2009 we moved into the same park and hosted the party at our place this time....fun times were definitely had!

Well well...

it's time to eat my words....i GOT THE JOB!  I will officially be a permanent employee making more pay with guaranteed overtime and still be close to home on December 13th...I'm really excited about this new adventure.  Now I have to stick with my goal and start taking better care of myself.  Here's to staying motivated.

On another note, last week was a little weird for me in the aspect of my mood and slight depression.  Even with the great news of the job, I was questioning my marriage and whether I still wanted to make things work.  We went through a rough patch at the beginning of the year and I thought we were on the right path to making things work.  I still have my days.  I have issues I need to work on but I also know that as a couple WE have things to work on.  I have always thought that if there are problems in a relationship, you should work on yourself before you are able to work on the relationship....is that really true?  Does concentrating on your needs instead of the needs as a couple really help?  I don't want to wake up on another 4th of July (there's a story there..but later) and realize that this is not where I want to be, that I wasted more time on something that should have walked away from long ago.  I love my husband with out a doubt, that's why I'm still here trying with my all my might, so why am I having these feelings?

I guess another question is...is anyone out there to begin with reading this? lol