Happiness

Where's my happiness?  I lost it a long time ago and still have yet to find it.  I try to find the good things in life and stay positive but that's really hard to do when you feel knocked down by one thing or another everyday.

We still have our issues that go unresolved day after day that ends with one of us throwing ours hands up and walking away.  I've made my mind up..I know what I want, yet it seems so far away.  Like everyday it gets farther and farther away.  I want to speak up and say everything that is on my mind but I know that will only make things worse.  I know I am just cheating myself by staying silent but what else is there to do until I find the courage to speak out.

Once before I was in this situation and it only took waking up to realize it.  Why cant it happen again?  Make it happen like pulling off a band aid....painful yet quick.

My previous post Mean - Pink really describes me...how i'm feeling and how I see things in this moment.

Mean - Pink

"Mean" - Pink

You use to hold the door for me
Now you can't wait to leave
You use to send me flowers if
You fucked up in my dreams
I use to make you laugh
With all the silly shit I did
Now you roll your eyes and
Walk away and shake your head

When the spark has gone and the candles are out
And the song is done and there's no more sound
Whispers turn to yelling and I'm thinking

[Chorus:]
How do we get so mean? How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning
When it comes and everythings undone?
Is it 'cause we wanna be free? Well that's not me.
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor
Like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be

I'm always sentimental when I think of how it was
When love was sweet and new and we just couldn't get enough
The shower, it reminds me you'd undress me with your eyes
And now you never touch me and you tell me that you're tired

You know it gets so sad when it all goes bad
And all you think about is all the fun you've had
And all those "sorry"'s ain't never gonna mean a thing

[Chorus]

I know we said some things that we can never take back
It's like a train wreck trying to hit the right track
We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe
But we should've drank it down while it was still sweet
It all goes bad eventually

Now do we stay together 'cause we're scared to be alone
We got so used to this abuse it kind of feels like home
But my baby I just really wanna know oh.

[Chorus x2] 

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/pink/mean.html

Careers...part 2

So I got a call from a friend the other day and she tells me her company has an open position and thought of me.  Now before you say or think anything...I know I have only been at my current job for 10mos but seriously, I only took the job because I needed a permanent position and benefits because the last one was a contract position.  Since then I have determined that I really can't see myself doing this for a long time.  So when she called I jumped on it.  So I am prepping my resume and will hopefully spark an interest for an interview.

Now on the other hand, when I mention this to my husband...his response?  "You haven't even been at this one a year!  You promised!"  I promised, I know, but how can I pass up a chance to work for a better company, with locations all over the area, and MORE money?  You would think my husband at least supportive, but instead goes the other way.  Like he doesn't want me to better myself and my salary.  I don't understand this...

Anyone want to enlighten me on this?

Decisions...

Part I

Some are easy and some are just down right difficult.  Everyday I make the easy decision to get up and go to work and to raise my kids the best I can.  However everyday I struggle with the decision to either stay in my marriage and make it work or to walk away knowing that I tried.

We started out with one of those stories that most dream of... childhood sweethearts who loose touch and 20yrs later we meet again and get married.  Our first year together was rough and emotional but we made it through.  Things were alright for two more years and we (or really maybe just me) have been struggling ever since.  I'm worn down and really feel that is why I struggle everyday.

I feel like I'm alone in this marriage, we're room-mates that just happen to sleep in the same bed.  We have separate lives, things we are invited to as a couple he goes to with out me just because the kids are home instead of declining the invite.  When I plan things with the kids; he stays home.  I can't talk to him the way I want to..the way I need to.

(it took me 2 hours to write this first part because my thoughts are so scrambled)

Part II

So the past weekend, I didn't necessarily have a epiphany or awaking of what I wanted to do but more of a talk with one of my girlfriends about the situation at hand.  Through the talking and the spilling of my thoughts I realized...I have had my answer to my solution all this time.  That deep down I knew and know what I want.  So I am going to act upon it and move forward until my mission is complete.

When the time is right I will reveal the mission but until then its top secret :)

ps...totally on another subject.  But when did it become the Man's position to tell his wife when to leave a job and when to stay?  Granted I havent been at my job for a year yet..BUT since I started so much has changed and its just a job now.  I don't enjoy it as much anymore.  So if you were not happy at your current job, and had an oppotunity with a great company and a chance for more money as well...would you at least look into it??

Careers

This is a question for the masses.  How did you decide what you wanted to do as a career?  Did you know from the beginning or did it kind of "fall" into your lap?

I have been contemplating about going back to school and finally go in the direction of a career and not just a job but I am clueless as to what I want to do with the rest of my life!  Its such a big decision.  You want to think about it carefully otherwise you risk loosing time and money.  I think back to a job I had working with Commercial Insurance Compliance and remember really enjoying it and the knowledge I learned along the way...the down side, most companies wont pay anywhere close to what I am making now or they pay a low base wage plus bonus.

Anyways...would love to hear your input on this and maybe our own story of how you got where you are.