Do over...

I fell off the darn wagon again and well I just caught up with it last week.  Thankfully I haven't fallen off since and I'm hanging on for dear life!  A lot...and I do mean A LOT has happened.  Just a quick run down with out dragging it all down..lol

In March I finally had the courage to tell my husband that I although I loved him, I wasn't in love with him and was unhappy in our marriage.  I did my best to explain to him my feelings and thoughts, letting him know that it was too late to "fix" things and that a temporary fix was not an option.  We both struggled for weeks and he hoped I would change my mind but it wasn't going to happen.  I had made up my mind this was what I needed to get back to me...back to the me that used to be happy.  He seemed to have accepted the fact.  I found an apartment and moved out Memorial day weekend.  (seems to be a pattern and irony here..i'll explain later another post perhaps).

So in the process of moving I hurt my knee and thankfully had some great friends to help me and I was able to nurse my knee back to normal.  No clue how it happened but I live on the second floor and going down the stairs was painful!

Anywho....the Tuesday after I moved I get into a car accident and got rear-ended..not fun I tell ya!

See what I mean?....and I was stopped at the light.  Anyways, long and short of it.  My spine got twisted at the neck, and instead of my spine being curved at the neck it is straight...

www.garygreen.me

So in effort to fix it, the Chiropractor suggested I come in for adjustments 3 times a week.  Eesh!  So to be sure I am not doing more harm than good, I went to see my regular doctor.  I gave them the ex-rays, and they of course examined me.  They Rx muscle relaxers to help and glad to have them as they help when I need them most and do not need them everyday.  So now I not only have the Chiropractor to see I have to go back in to the regular doctor for a follow up on that visit and go back again for a follow up from my first visit to see him and then my lab work.  So I guess you can say I am going to have the chance to really get to know my doctors over the next month or so lol.

An being back on the wagon I think is the reason I got sick and fighting a horrible cough and chest congestion...so all the more reason to stay away from the cigarettes!

So I guess that is it for now!  I will post pictures of the new place soon...still have a lot of boxes around and I am not quite "set-up" yet. Maybe a sneak peek....

hahahaha....you thought I was going to post it...this is my front door ;)

Good nite for now!!

Slacking...alot

I've really been slacking on here and need to get back to it!  So here goes...oh but where to start?!  There's the good, the bad, and the blah...so we'll start with the bad..and with the good!

I'm still working out my inner thoughts of how my marriage is going and have yet been able to get him to understand just what i'm feeling.  We are still disconnected and yet can put a great united front around friends and family.  I feel like there's no outlet for me, so I use FB and I get "scorned" for it because I post too much about my personal life.  Since when is it your place to tell me what I can and can not say about my life?  If I didn't want anyone to know something I wouldn't post it..i would keep it to myself.  Anyways.  I try not to feel resentment towards him but how can you not when nothing he does makes you feel like he wants you whether intimately or even just as his spouse?  Its like living with a person you have a mad crush on but yet they never acknowledge you even exist to them.  I have tried so much, in the best way i know how, that I have finally given up.  I can't go on living like i'm happy when deep inside I'm not.  I've lost myself and who I am.  I "think" i feel more like me when I am around my friends...MY friends...the ones I hardly see anymore because his friends and plans come first.  I want MY life back and I want MY friends back in my life and I want MY inner self to be happy again.  I WILL make it happen...as soon as possible, little by little.

My job has taken a turn for possibly the better.  We had someone leave and I have taken over their responsibilities and it has taken me from not so busy to uber busy...yup my favorite word...uber!  I have taken on a lot and I guess you could say I am the go to person for at least 2 of the major things our team deals with.  Its a lot to take on considering I am still new to it and do not know all the ins and outs but I am getting there!  The boss really utilizes me for questions and taking the reins on it and I tell ya, that feels damn good!  I want to move up in the company and to some this may be a small stepping stone...but for me its always a big one because I have done it in such a short time.  I guess that is one of my strengths in my work history...give the time and opportunities to excel and I will.  I will take it on and roll with it.  I am hoping that if things keep going this way I might just be able to make it.  Course it helps that after my one year review I got a raise...nothing to write home about but it was something...and the fact out of team of 15, I was in the top 3 and got a score of 4 out of 5...loving it!

I have also decided that one way to get "back to me" is to start working on my photography hobby.  I have done sessions with my girlfriend Josey and her kids (my god kids), one my girls from work, my best friend and her girls, and then just recently a family session.  I was so excited to get the opportunity and very happy they all enjoyed their photos!  I post some below (bragging rights about myself...lol).  I plan to take a few classes that will cover mostly the basics and how to use my camera (more for the extra features it has) and I can not wait!  The first class is really how to take a regular point/shoot digital camera and make everyday pictures better.  Which is good because even though mine is just that and not a DSLR (my dream camera), its a few steps below a DSLR as far as features.  So that will help me tremendously!  The second class is more in depth, and covers more of the fundamentals of photography and how to take better pictures (like ISO settings and such)  That sounded smart huh?  I still have no clue how the ISO stuff works...but I am going to learn!

So there you have it!  I got you all caught up and if you are still reading this at this point...I am still smoke free!  I am back to boot camp and trying to eat healthy.  I have about 45lbs I want to loose but I know it will take time now that I am getting older..lol.  So until next time, here are some photos I took for you to enjoy!

Fell off

This past weekend I fell off the wagon.  I had been struggling to stay on and after all of this past week's events, I fell right off on my butt.  I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes.  I finished the pack and starting tomorrow, I am back on the wagon.  I think I did pretty darn good for quitting cold turkey.  But alas, I have to start the counting all over again.

Hope everyone's weekend was a good one!

Happiness

Where's my happiness?  I lost it a long time ago and still have yet to find it.  I try to find the good things in life and stay positive but that's really hard to do when you feel knocked down by one thing or another everyday.

We still have our issues that go unresolved day after day that ends with one of us throwing ours hands up and walking away.  I've made my mind up..I know what I want, yet it seems so far away.  Like everyday it gets farther and farther away.  I want to speak up and say everything that is on my mind but I know that will only make things worse.  I know I am just cheating myself by staying silent but what else is there to do until I find the courage to speak out.

Once before I was in this situation and it only took waking up to realize it.  Why cant it happen again?  Make it happen like pulling off a band aid....painful yet quick.

My previous post Mean - Pink really describes me...how i'm feeling and how I see things in this moment.

Mean - Pink

"Mean" - Pink

You use to hold the door for me
Now you can't wait to leave
You use to send me flowers if
You fucked up in my dreams
I use to make you laugh
With all the silly shit I did
Now you roll your eyes and
Walk away and shake your head

When the spark has gone and the candles are out
And the song is done and there's no more sound
Whispers turn to yelling and I'm thinking

[Chorus:]
How do we get so mean? How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning
When it comes and everythings undone?
Is it 'cause we wanna be free? Well that's not me.
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor
Like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be

I'm always sentimental when I think of how it was
When love was sweet and new and we just couldn't get enough
The shower, it reminds me you'd undress me with your eyes
And now you never touch me and you tell me that you're tired

You know it gets so sad when it all goes bad
And all you think about is all the fun you've had
And all those "sorry"'s ain't never gonna mean a thing

[Chorus]

I know we said some things that we can never take back
It's like a train wreck trying to hit the right track
We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe
But we should've drank it down while it was still sweet
It all goes bad eventually

Now do we stay together 'cause we're scared to be alone
We got so used to this abuse it kind of feels like home
But my baby I just really wanna know oh.

[Chorus x2] 

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/pink/mean.html